Written by: Marty Ham
Spouses of the 2017 Houston Astros are reportedly “inconsolable” upon learning the news that their loved ones banged trash cans to round the bases en route to their 2017 World Series title.
Jessica Lugo, the wife of Carlos Beltran, fought back tears in an attempt to come to terms with how her husband could jeopardize two decades of marriage for a stout waste container.
“He reached home base 60 times that season. He must’ve had a trash can in every city. I just pray he used a Rubbermaid.”
Nina, the wife of Astros second baseman Jose Altuve, claims she’s since ridded her Houston home of trash cans to eliminate her husband’s insatiable thirst.
“Trashy a** b****** can’t be trusted,” Nina said before revealing that she now throws all of her garbage away in the 2017 Commissioner’s Trophy.
“It’s small, but I can’t imagine even my cheating pig husband would be attracted to something so worthless.”
This is just the latest saga to highlight what Oregon State professor Steven M. Ortiz refers to as an ‘adultery culture’ in a sport that requires players to live out of a suitcase nine months a year. While infidelity has plagued relationships since the league’s inception in 1903, this marks the first reported incident involving a non-sentient object.
When reporters asked a group of distraught Astros wives about the proper punishment for their husbands’ duplicity, the overwhelming response was:
“Return the rings.”