May 1, 2020

USC Offensive Coordinator Gus Duggerton Confirms: Arby's Does "Have The Meats"

Coach Gus Duggerton's recent move to the University of Southern California has brought him much stardom in the last couple of weeks. With promotional deals, Twitch gaming appearances, and every woman in a 100 mile radius of the Southern California area flocking to him, some have even gone as far as to say that the fame may have already gone to Coach Dugg's head.

Duggs even had his first shot at becoming an "influencer" this past Thursday, when restaurant chain "Arby's" shipped off 13 beefy cheddars, 7.5 curly fries, and 4 large cokes via Postmates to the Championship level coach's doorstep to be promoted via a Live Tweet Campaign.

"Yeah, they definitely 'have the meats'," said Duggerton in an appreciative manner.

Since the beginning of the Coronavirus quarantine, Arby's has been looking for a virtual spokesperson who could really take their brand to the next level.

"We believe Coach Duggs is truly the perfect fit for our brand," said Arby's Partnership Coordinator, Dan Meatlove. "It's his aesthetic, his enthusiasm, and most of all, his deep love for meats."

The "Meat Coach Duggs" Campaign on the official @Arbys Twitter account made waves Thursday evening when thousands on thousands used coupon codes for huge discounts off on roast beef sandwiches and combo meals.

"Coach Duggs increased sales by a whopping 234%," said Meatlove. "We were seriously on the verge of bankruptcy, and are incredibly grateful to have brought him on board. We're hoping this can be a solid long-term partnership like Jared from Subway. Minus the child pornography stuff."

As the Live Tweet came to a close, Duggs ended with as monumental of a quote as you'll ever hear: "You have to remember to always be you. No one can take that away from you."

He hoisted giants heaps of greasy roast beef into his gullet and continued to scroll frantically through his phone with his chubby fingers. A fresh deposit in his Bank of America account made him proud to live in the God Damn United States Of America.