Mar 20, 2020

Tom Brady Left The Patriots Because of New England Toilet Paper Shortage

With Covid-19 racking up most of the headlines as of late, news spread Friday morning that six-time Super Bowl Champion and New England Patriots legend Tom Brady had signed a deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It is reportedly a 2-year $50 million contract with an additional $9 million in incentives. 

Sources close to Brady say his decision had nothing to do with any ill feelings toward the Patriots organization, and rather that it was an issue with the mass toilet paper shortage in the greater New England area. 

“Have you ever tried to throw a deflated football with a dirty butt?” Brady said. “There was no way I was going to send anyone else to spy on other teams without the proper butthole care they needed. Everyone deserves a proper wipe. Enough was enough.” 

With the Corona Virus pandemic leaving many crazed civilians across the country scrambling to grab three to four times their normal toilet paper intake, The Buccaneers have recently created a partnership with Charmin to keep their janitorial staff stocked and Mr. Brady a happy man.

"Tom and the Buccaneers deserves the finest 3 ply that we have to offer," said Charmin CEO David S. Taylor. "Our factory is working overtime to maintain many happy butts."
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Main Image Via: ESPN