Oct 11, 2019

NBA Bans Apple Pie and White Claws In Attempt To Ease Tensions With China

It’s official, the NBA hates America.

After recently taking a hard stand against democracy and freedom, the NBA is doubling down on it’s hatred of all things American. The league has released a statement saying that they plan to ban apple pie and White Claws across all stadiums.  

The NBA’s full statement is below:

“The NBA supports freedom of speech for all players, coaches, and members of the front office. That is, until it affects our paychecks. Obviously, we do not in any way support the protests in Hong Kong, and we stand firmly behind communism in China.”

“Because our glorious Chinese overlords have stated that apple pie and White Claw Hard Seltzer represent all things freedom, we are banning the consumption of these two items in an effort to bend over further for them.” 

Many believe this is the tip of the iceberg, and that the NBA will expand this list in the near future. Per sources, the NBA is planning a future ban of the following:

  • Avocado Toast
  • The Office
  • Dad Bods
  • Families with more than 1 child
  • Starting an Instagram page for your dog
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes 
  • Budweiser
  • The Statue of Liberty
  • Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich
  • Lifted Pick-Up Trucks
  • Asking to speak to the manager
  • The English language 
  • Anyone who does not recognize the greatness of Chairman Mao


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Thumbnail Image Via: Time.com
Main Image Via: CNBC