Jun 16, 2020

Hollywood Celebrities Pledge To Donate To Black Lives Matter Causes Upon Promise Of Lead Role In Spike Lee Film

By: Matt Keohan

As the nation collectively grapples with enduring racial injustices that have plagued it for centuries, one important question lingered: “How is Hollywood going to 'F' this up?” 

That question was answered last week in the form of an impossibly tone-deaf montage of white actors urging the general public to donate money so they don’t have to. 

Our sources have confirmed that many of the actors featured in the two-minute pandering production only agreed to donate to relevant causes upon assurance from their agents that they will appear prominently in Spike Lee’s upcoming project about the Second Airborne Rangers, the U.S. Army's first and only all-black Airborne Ranger unit that served in the Korean War.

Aaron Paul, who will reportedly play company commander First Lieutenant Warren E. Allen in the highly-anticipated film, claims his experience driving through South Central Los Angeles en route to his favorite Pilates studio has educated him on black culture and has prepared him for the role originally written for Mahershala Ali.

“No doubt Mahershala is a talented actor,” said Paul calling in from his Beverly Hills mansion. “But I faced plenty of combat during my highly-touted role as Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad that essentially mirrors the experience of a black soldier in the Civil War.” 

When our reporter told Mr. Paul that the 2nd Airborne Rangers fought in the Korean War, rather than the Civil War nearly 100 years prior, he grew agitated before yelling,

“Whatever, BITCH!” and hung up the phone.

Spike Lee could not immediately be reached for comment, but his assistant claims that he was last spotted on the Brooklyn Bridge threatening to jump.