Jan 21, 2020

Force Ghost Of Billy Martin Decks Jose Altuve At Mos Eisley Cantina

~ Mos Eisley, Tatooine ~

Despite best efforts to skirt past his mounting problems, six-time All-Star, World Series MVP and Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was said to be unable to avoid imperial entanglements at the Mos Eisley Cantina last week.

Allegedly said to be in possession of stolen transmissions from "the Evil Empire," Altuve's seemingly innocent mid-day stop at the popular Tatooine gin mill ended in what onlookers described as a "pier 6 brawl" with several old school New York Yankee force ghosts who were seated in the back corner of the bar and been drinking for the last several parsecs straight. 

"Altuve tried to enter [the Cantina] with Pete Rose but the bartender would have none of it, saying he wouldn't serve Rose or 'his kind'...so it was pretty clear that his visit had gotten off to a bad start," said one patron. "He said he was looking to score power converters but everyone knew he was full of it...this wasn't Toshe Station. Get real." 

While Rose waited outside and went to work signing thermal detonators for $10 Imperial credits a pop for anyone who would talk to him, witnesses said Altuve had a brief skirmish at the bar when he inadvertently bumped into a player described as  Jacoby "Jar-Jar" Ellsbury. 

"Ellsbury tried to say that he was wanted by several teams in several systems and that Altuve better watch himself or he'd be dead...but everybody just laughed until out of nowhere, newly signed spark plug Brett Gardner cut Ellsbury's hand off, sending him right back to the DL. Nobody cared."

Then, according to eyewitnesses, the force ghost of former Yankee manager Billy Martin loudly summoned Altuve to his table in back where he was holding court with similarly dead Yankee legends Thurman Munson, Mickey Mantle, Don Larsen and other pinstriped legends. Former Yankee outfielder and World Series superstar Reggie Jackson was also mentioned as being in attendance.

"I'm not dead, though!" Jackson was said to repeatedly proclaim. 

When confronted by the belligerent Martin over galactic cheating allegations, Altuve was said to have instigated a shootout with the bellicose, massively intoxicated manager.

"Altuve shot first, but missed," said one witness. "Then Billy punched him in the face. And then Billy smashed Lou Piniella's teeth out, who came out of left field, trying to intervene. Then he ripped the arms off two overused mid-relief droids, inexplicably forced lefty power hitting third baseman Mike Pagliarulo to hit right handed and bunt before kicking over the table and knocking out a jawa selling marshmallows while simultaneously guzzling blue milk from stolen Tupperware and pissing all over Phil Rizzutto, who was merely trying to eat a cannoli and send a hologram message of hope to little scooter and Ann in Fort Lauderdale. It was nuts. Also, for Billy Martin, it was Wednesday."

Altuve apparently escaped with minor injuries but Reggie Jackson was said to be inconsolable, stirring his drink with a straw at the bar after Martin replaced him at the table with a probably dead or an advanced aged, weak hitting but excellent defensive utility man Paul Blair. 

"This is a paper straw...I can't even stir the drink with this shit," Jackson lamented. "Also, I'm not fucking dead!" 

Main Image Via: Deadline