May 20, 2020
The Other Sports

Elon Musk & Vince McMahon Set to Launch SpaceXFL

By: Jordan Cerminara - @strangehumorist/Twitter

In mid-April, the COVID-19 pandemic killed the XFL’s comeback season that hundreds of Americans had anticipated since 2001 and forced Vince McMahon’s Alpha Entertainment to file Chapter 11 bankruptcy on the league’s behalf. Two weeks after the delivery of his alphanumeric son, X Æ A-12, Elon Musk hinted via Twitter he wanted to tag team up with his fellow egomaniacal billionaire for a business venture on the red planet.

Hours later, the meeting had undoubtedly taken place when tweets started blasting off like Falcon 9s from the top rope.

This dynamic duo is done supplying the wealthy with fashionably overpriced electric cars and feeding oiled-up ringside dramas to poor earthbound manchildren. MuskMcMahon’s primary objective is to give the people what they really crave—MORE FOOTBALL!

     "I think there are certain business matters which we must now conduct differently than we used to," said McMahon. “I don't give a damn what the fans think cause, quite frankly, I know what the fans want better than they do."

And drawing up this Hail Mary in Martian dirt is exactly what sports fans didn’t know they needed. “Sounds sick! I’d watch that,” said every bro age 15-50.

The Twittersphere’s month of Musk started May 1st with the SpaceX founder stating, “I am selling almost all physical possessions. Will own no house.” A string of cryptic and incoherent tweets followed, leaving many to speculate that they were watching a modern genius publicly lose his mind. Within days of his wife giving birth to their poorly named son “most likely in a simulation,” the man that once sold 20,000 flamethrowers through his tunnel digging company was looking for ways to escape daddy duty during a virtual lockdown. Luckily, Musk found the perfect person to free him from the cage match of life.

    “Vince always expressed feelings that the XFL was too good for this world,” said the Undertaker, “I just didn’t know he was being so literal!” McMahon took to the ring before the main event on Monday Night Raw to announce his latest project. “I’m stepping away from the WWE for a while and taking all eight XFL teams to Mars on one of Elon’s rockets. We’re gonna take it from there with nothing but intestinal fortitude.”

As fans anticipate yet another Xtra-Fun-League comeback, one two-part question looms over its return: Will there be a need for player protections with a fraction of the gravity teams are accustomed to and will football be entertaining with no risk of CTE? The first season of SpaceXFL is scheduled to air Saturday, February 5th, 2039 at 2PM ET on DisneySPN+.