Jun 10, 2020

“Do You Know Who My Grandfather Is!?” Pleads Drew Brees As Teammates Corner Him In Dark Alley

By: Matt Keohan

As a flock of Saints players descended upon Drew Brees in the gentrified Bywater neighborhood of New Orleans to confront their quarterback for the tone-deaf comments undermining the Black Lives Matter movement, the 13-time Pro Bowler gasped a final Hail Mary before absorbing an atomic wedgie from Alvin Kamara: 

“Do you guys even know how my grandfather is?!,” Brees cried out in a shrieking pitch no less than a full octave higher than normal. 

Brees’ paternal grandfather fought in the Battle of Okinawa, one of the bloodiest battles in the Pacific War, a fact that remains entirely separate from a law enforcement officer kneeling on another man’s windpipe for the length of a Phish song 75 years later. 

The Saints quarterback’s cartoonishly large clown shoes proved to be no match for the pursuing herd of elite athletes, propelled by decades of professional physical training and the trivializing of generations of systemic inequity.

Brees ultimately managed to wiggle himself free of the brouhaha, but lost his grip on the mini American flag he typically stores in the pocket of his Harley Davidson vest, and the 4x6 piece of fabric fell unceremoniously in a murky puddle below.

No word yet on whether Brees will face criminal charges of flag desecration. 

Main Image: NBC News