With the eyes of the world fixed upon him, controversial quarterback, Colin Kaepernick, wasted no time stirring the pot before, during, and after his NFL tryout on Saturday. No, literally, he was seen stirring a pot of beans prepping lunch for the local Boys and Girls Club of Atlanta just hours before.
Sources confirmed that the former NFL standout was wearing a wristband with the words “Epstein didn’t kill himself” printed on it. As well as a pair of cleats with bold embroidered red lettering saying “Someone please suck off Trump in the oval office so he’ll get impeached.”
The highly anticipated workout, which was originally planned to take place at the Atlanta Falcons home facility, eventually ended up at Charles Drew High School in Riverdale. Kaepernick made the last minute venue change in order to allow the media to attend for “transparency” reasons, and The NFL reportedly also wanted the former 49ers standout to sign a waiver his camp described as “unusual”.
As expected, the wristband/cleat stunt sent shockwaves through the football world. However, Kaepernick remained unphased by the bevy of questions hurled at him after the workout.
“Look, I’m not saying that all prison guards are bad people. But let’s face it, the guys in charge of guarding Epstein really screwed the pooch. I refuse to take off this wristband until they are reprimanded for their negligence. And as for my cleats? They speak for themselves.”
Agitators called the former Pro Bowler an “attention whore” for once again bringing his politics to the gridiron, but the free agent stood firm on his knee and vowed to put his money where his mouth is.
“I have made a sizeable donation to The Lasik Center and they will be offering free lasik to prison guards all across the United States.” Groups of supporters began to chant “I’m still with Kap! I’m still with Kap!” His tone began to change.
“If I’m signed before the end of the season, I’ll give the entirety of my NFL paychecks to help children at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good,” Kaepernick said with an emotional break. He smirked at the crowd. “I used to be that kid. Look at me now.”
The crowd looked longingly at the civil rights activist turned football player, and in that moment, you could hear a pin drop. “All those who oppose the idea of bringing me back, I still appreciate you. You have a right to your opinion of course, but I just want you to know this wasn’t a publicity stunt. Not one bit. Not at all. I’ve wanted to play football for 3 years now. But also, Epstein didn’t kill himself.”
Kaepernick dropped the mic, and the crowd erupted into cheers as they lifted him into the air and out of the stadium. We like to think that maybe one day Nike might make an ad about something like this. Wouldn’t that be something?
