Dec 11, 2019

Bengals Flattered By Patriots Alleged Sign Stealing

When the rumors of the Patriots’ latest cheating scandal began swirling, many expected the Bengals to jump at the opportunity to prosecute their far superior opponent. However, the AFC North’s punching bag has made it clear that they have no interest in pursuing the matter. In fact, Head Coach, Zac Taylor stated that he was “flattered” by the Patriots’ attempt at sign stealing.

“I’m not even mad about it to be honest with you. Honestly, I’m just happy that they remembered that we’re on their schedule.”

Sources confirmed that Taylor granted all members of the Patriots’ staff VIP access to the Bengals’ facilities ahead of their week 14 matchup. A bashful Taylor, blushed while explaining his controversial decision.

“The team was pretty skeptical at first, then, I told them that the defending Super Bowl Champions wanted to watch us practice and they all got really excited.”

The Patriots’ staffers told reporters that Andy Dalton gave everyone free season tickets and even invited them to a sleepover in the Bengals’ clubhouse. When asked what they would do with the tickets, their decision was unanimous.

“Turns out, we all have family members we don’t like, who live in Cincinnati. These tickets will make a great stocking stuffer.”

As media Monday drew to a close, a tearful Coach Taylor gave his closing statement.

“I always wondered how it would feel to be the ugly girl who gets noticed by the handsome jock at the end of a romantic comedy… Now I know.” 
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