Apr 10, 2020

Apple Unveils New iPhone Super Mega Mini

Amidst the largest health crisis in a recent decade, Apple did what they do best Friday morning: Unveil superior mobile technology. Apple CEO Tim Cook spoke of several new products at his first ever virtual reveal, but none of them had the internet talking quite like the new iPhone “Super Mega Mini”.

“It’s so small.. that you can barely see it,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “It’s the most powerful and technologically advanced iPhone to date, with a microscopic stunning design.”

“The coolest and most insane innovation to me is the telepathy feature, which allows you to send text messages telepathically with your mind,” said Tesla CEO Elon Musk. “I can literally be taking a shit while my phone is in the other room and text my wife about planning our dinner date with MY MIND.”

The billion dollar company plans to utilize Shaquille O’Neal in future marketing campaigns for the new product.

“We think Shaq’s size will truly help illustrate how tiny and compact this new iPhone really is,” said Philip W. Schiller, Senior Vice President of Marketing. This is the perfect phone for an Oompa Loompa.

“We’ve done a couple promos already. I keep crushing the phones on accident because I can’t see them well,” Shaq explained.

Apple says the plan is to encourage people over 6’5 to purchase their iPhone “Super Ultra Mega Mini”, not to be confused with the “Super Mega Mini”, which has a slightly bigger screen and is more visible to the human eye. Shaq was truly just used in campaigns to show off the Super Mega Mini’s sleek design.

Apple expects their pre-sales to hit astronomic numbers with the current stay at home orders and quarantines taking place in the United States. The iPhone Super Mega Mini and iPhone Super Ultra Mega Mini will start at $1500 & $1600, respectively.